All posts by : Ami Bowen

Being Heart-Thoughtful will support you in creating a blueprint to be a happy, resilient parent and have happy, resilient children! One way to be Heart-Thoughtful and strengthen your blueprint is to “speak giraffe.” Do you speak ‘giraffe’ or a ‘jackal’? Or maybe a combination of both. Confused? Before you answer, read a bit further.

In every family there are times of dissension and sometimes out-and-out “war.” What causes us to be at “war” in our family, with our children, or with others in our lives? It probably starts with two different points of view. Then it may move into feelings of self-blame, blaming others, or believing things are unfair.

It may be a request that isn’t heeded, such as “Please pick up” or “Stop arguing with your brother,” which then escalates from a simple request into war. Parents and children either learn how to get what they need in a positive, encouraging way or in a frustrating, “war-like,” angry, demanding, self-confidence-shredding way.

The latter is the language of the Jackal. When we feel judged, not respected, accused, or unfairly treated, we react with the fierceness of the jackal. The language of the jackal is using sharp words to criticize, judge, analyze, and separate as defined in Nonviolent Communication by Marshal Rosenberg.

The Giraffe, on the other hand, feels into things with its heart. Giraffes are “Heart-Thoughtful”—which means the heart leads and is followed by the mind. When you speak giraffe, you “unify, connect, and look for solutions.” You look at differences as an opportunity for choice or to approach the situation in a different way. The giraffe feels into things with compassion for self and for others.

The giraffe’s Heart-Thoughtful way of thinking can help you focus on your children’s perspective and behavior in a more expanded way. The most important piece for your blueprint is to find that inner place of empowerment and compassion. As Marion Badenoch Rose, Ph.D., illustrates in Nonviolent Communication with Children, Heart-Thoughtful parenting helps meet the needs of all. Nonviolent communication—Heart-Thoughtful communication—allows you to shift your thinking from good and bad judgments to heart-mindful connections. 

When your child says or does something the opposite of what you expect, you can blame yourself or blame your child and speak jackal.

As a parent of adult children, I am learning to surrender to the need to fix, make right or make better. It is in my DNA or ‘learned behavior’ to have some sense of control over their happiness in the face of discomfort or a sense of brokenness. As parents, we have lived long enough to know that their journey is not ours and yet there is an innate instinct to protect. Navigating the gap of independence to outcomes is where the love grows deeper.

In the wake of our new normal and minimal interaction I realize my words will be my legacy for them in a new world. From the deepest space in my heart — to my children, to your children and those yet to be born. Take a piece, a part or everything…but please take this with you on your journey. Listen to the whisper, the churn in your belly and the goosebumps on your arms. Pay close attention. Those sensations are not sensations at all, they are you speaking – it is your heart.

Don’t listen to the second voice, that is just doubt, and definitely don’t listen to the third voice, that is just someone else’s opinion. Your intellect is a great source for information but your heart knows your truth. Slow down and pay attention. Bottom line — trust your instincts.

Keep your mind and body healthy and whole…

Go to the gym, take a yoga class, find a running track…Find something that keeps your mind and body connected, healthy and working together, because in the times when everything else seems disconnected, it will keep you centered and grounded. Your physical wellness is the starting and ending point to everything In between.

Use your words…

Find the confidence to speak your truth gently and powerfully. “Don’t shrink, don’t puff up – just stand your ground. Use your words to express your courage, make personal connections and share your compassion.

Find your gift…

God put you on this Earth to share your gifts. Take yourself out of your comfort zone. Learn as much as you can, read as much as you can, dance as much as you can, listen as much as you can, do as much as you can, travel as much as you can because that’s how you will find it. It’s already inside of you, you just need to spark it, so ignite as many flames as you can, and notice which one keeps burning. Your gift is your legacy, the legacy that will help serve the world

If you only remember one thing, remember this: You are the most important person in the whole world…we are all connected and there is only ONE you and you are unique. You will be the change you want in this world because of who you are and the gifts you bring.

You are a powerful force in this universe, and the world needs you. You will be the one to determine your own direction, and if you trust your own compass, you will always remain on your path. And when you look back on your life you will see the wake of a life well-lived.

As a life-long learner and student of human potential, I believe in vulnerability, authenticity and connection. I have learned that we all experience seasons and chapters in our lives that are sometimes hard to navigate. We struggle with unexpected scenarios and hunger for simple solutions and in the end we all yearn to be heard and seen — without judgement. This is life, our life, our journey.