All posts by : Ami Bowen

I woke up yesterday morning and checked the weather. That’s something a lot of people do, but I’m not talking about the temperature outside my house.

I’m talking about my inner weather. My inner weather was overcast and chilly with strong gusts of cold wind. I had this feeling I was forgetting something.

I looked at the calendar and realized it was my mother’s birthday. No wonder I felt like I was forgetting something, right? For most of my life, I’d have gotten her a gift by her birth date. But a gift was not necessary this time, she had passed about six years ago.

But I was glad I’d checked my emotional weather and recognized a system of grief was in my vicinity. This helped me understand to take it easy on myself, and not walk through my day unknowing of my grief. There is no way of transforming our inner state without some level of self-awareness. Perhaps if I’d walked around unaware, I might inflict my inner weather on someone else, and create stormy outer circumstances.

Picking up your life and moving to another country is one subject. Moving to another country in a pandemic will take us to another level of conversation.

Full transparency, the lockdown offered up many gifts as we found our way in a new culture with unfamiliar surroundings and a language we have not yet mastered. And yet, we found a simplicity with minimal social interaction and depth in our discovery of all other things relevant. We mastered 5-mile walks by the ocean and experienced deeper and more thought-provoking conversations.

And the day came – the lockdown ended.

We tiptoed into social gatherings with caution and found ourselves hungry for connection. At this stage in our life, the connections we will make will not be attached to our work, our children, or people we have known for years. I had this internal nudge that this time was going to be different…more mindful, intentional and authentic. I wanted connection – real connection. Not superficial, not surface, not small talk with sweet pleasantries.

As we ventured out and began meeting people (all strangers till they are not), I was committed to connecting with my heart with no agenda.

This does not always come easy and demands intention and practice.

Listen with your ears and your heart: The ears part here is easy; listening with your heart requires an open space that is internally noticeable. It feels expansive and curious in the center. There is a willingness to listen from a space of vulnerability and discovery.

Observe your distractions: These most likely will be the pure breakdown in connection. Some may be hard to avoid – the idea here is laser focus. The common criminal (stealer of connection) is your phone. If you want to make people a priority, it asks of us to be purely present in the presence of another. The phone can wait.

Stay in your own lane: Opinions are personal and formed by our own experiences and paradigms. Most likely you won’t always agree with a differing view. This has been the edgy sharp part of our current societal landscape and the most difficult to embrace. Find the confidence to speak your truth gently and powerfully. Don’t shrink, don’t puff up – just stand your ground. Use your words to express your courage, make personal connections and share your compassion. Arguing or defending breaks down connection. Speaking your truth with confidence while staying in your own lane builds connection.

Authenticity matters: Be genuine with your words and your actions; most people have a ‘bull shit’ radar, and the walls begin to build. Being disingenuous breeds a loss of trust, integrity, and interest. Authenticity takes confidence and courage without ego. Authenticity builds trust, safety, and connection.

There are still moments for me of hesitation and holding back.

The class that most transformed me in my journey as an ILLLI student was the first course I took, and it changed everything. 

As Rev. Temple says: “We all long to become fully present and alive. It is our true sacred creation story.” 

In this course, we were asked to feel the feelings of past events of our lives. We were given the opportunity to release those feelings, so that we could move on from them and memories of past events without those feelings holding us back and ruling our lives. I didn’t realize how much an early memory of being lost at the fair at the age of three had actually been ruling over my whole life. Feelings of being abandoned, alone and unwanted.

I had memories of the events from the moment I got off the ride and realized I was alone to the moment I saw my mother come walking towards me while standing on the park bench in front of the Police Station. (My thought in that moment was whether the snow cone the officer was bringing me as a bribe to tell them my name would reach me before my Mother would and if I would still get the root beer snow cone if she did.)

To be honest, I was scared to go back and feel those feelings of being frightened and alone as a 3-year-old so I reached out to a licensed therapist to walk me through those emotions. These were some deep held emotions of fear and abandonment, which had caused me to sometimes not feel welcome and safe in my own home growing up.

We spoke about the idea that my Grandma and Mom had probably been frantic looking for me and none of my family had given up the search until I was found and wasn’t it a great feeling when I was held in her arms again? It was an honest mistake for a young, single parent of three young girls in the 60’s. I actually spoke with my sisters about the incident it seems the whole time I was lost was only about 30-40 minutes, but in my whole 60 years of life I had been giving this incident so much weight.

I realized it had affected how I operated with those I loved and even if I loved, whom I trusted and the fact that I really did not trust completely. After truly feeling these feelings I wept like a child. I was able to let go of not feeling loved or wanted or worthy and I have been able to step into a greater, grander version of myself without the weight of these false, negative feelings about myself ruling my every decision.

I feel I am growing into a better Chaplain and a more compassionate Minister and person as a result of letting go of these old misguided thoughts about a long-held belief surrounding myself.

Students are asked to pick a symbol of strength for themselves as part of the practical applications of this course. The concept is that when we are in need of strength we can picture this symbol in our minds to center in our Truth.

The symbol I picked is Niagara Falls. As a child, my first vacation and the first time I had ever spent time overnight with my father was on a road trip where we visited Niagara Falls. I remember the water washing over the mountain and standing on the mountain behind those falls. The sheer power of that water and the rumbling of the mountain reminds me of my own strength and ability to know I am never alone or abandoned.